Posted on September 18, 2005 at 00:23:06.
300 Cuts: A Postmortem on the so-called "Human"
By M Satai
300 Cuts: A Postmortem on the so-called “Human”
5.
I hate myself and I consider hatred to be the most natural attitude anyone can have towards oneself. What I find more interesting, however, is the paradoxical fact that I hate myself more the more I consider and concern myself with the welfare of others. The only time I can even tolerate myself, that I experience anything approaching self-respect and health, is when I’m ruthlessly, even “pathologically”, selfish.
6.
In the act of being “social,” I lose all sense of myself: I vanish. Man is a social animal--it’s true--but it’s true only to the extent that man is a non-existent animal.
7.
She says, “Tell me what you’re thinking.” But god forbid if I were to answer.
8.
It’s not entirely impossible to be “loved” but it’s possible only so long as you erase every last difference between yourself and the other, everything that is unique to you, all your truths and desires. By virtually disappearing, it’s quite possible to slip past the immune system of another and be appropriated as a “perfect match.” However one finds oneself “loved” less and less, and ultimately rejected altogether, the more one reveals oneself. And it’s true: who can love us as we really are? The price of love is non-existence.
9.
Is it true that I wish never to have been born? Yes, yes it’s true inasmuch as I don’t seek death constantly, a death that seduces me to a promised transfiguration of such pleasure, pain, and humiliation that life itself becomes a kind of teasing foreplay to the ultimate event—the spectacle of an orgasmic crucifixion at which I’m the center of an inner attention that does nothing less than annihilate the entire world before my very eyes.